Issue 20
Great instinct, unclear message
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Practical PIO analyzes real social media posts to help you improve your communications. All identifying details are blurred or removed because our goal is growth, not criticism. |
The department that wrote this post deserves credit. They took time after a demanding incident to explain what their crews actually did—and that’s rarer than it should be. The instinct to educate the public is exactly right.
But good intentions and good communication aren’t the same thing. This post runs nearly 500 words and covers alarm upgrades, equipment loads, rescue groups, ventilation groups, water evacuation groups, tarp deployment, and fire investigation. Readers finish it and think: Wow, that sounds like a lot—without knowing what to do with that feeling.
That’s the core lesson this week: before writing a single word, answer one question. What is the one thing I want readers to take away?
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Full text
Here’s the full text so you can follow along (or in case the image doesn’t load):
At 8:22pm last night, the [Fire Department] Alarm Office received an automatic alarm dispatch from an office building in the [Block Address of Street]. Additional calls from eye witnesses began flooding the FAO as well. As the original responding company was en route to the scene, witnesses stated they saw visible fire coming from the top floor of the six-story commercial building. The call type was upgraded to a hi-rise fire causing a full alarm to be dispatched.
Once crews arrived on scene and assessed the situation, the call type was upgraded once again to a working commercial hi-rise fire and the Incident Commander requested a second alarm. Crews not only had to make an attack on the fire but they also had to search the building for anyone that may be inside. The building interior was atrium-like resulting in all businesses within the building being exposed and the impact of the fire not just affecting the 6th floor.
Firefighters declared the fire under control after 30 minutes of active firefighting BUT the Incident Commander made the call for a third alarm for manpower. This was critical to the extended operations that the crews were dealing with despite the fire being extinguished.
When a firefighter is assigned to a hi-rise commercial fire, everything they need for the assignment they’ve been given for that operation needs to come with them. There is no turning around and going back to the fire truck to get it. This includes: extra air bottles, EMS bags (in case patients are located), shovels, extra hose lines, irons (Halligan bars and flat head axes), hi-rise packs, etc. This is in addition to their bunker gear, helmet, airpack, flashlight, radio and more. In some instances, firefighters are carrying an extra 80-100 pounds of weight on their body. And this takes a toll on them physically.
Rescue groups had to gain access to get into every hallway, office and closet to confirm that no one was inside and still needing help. Ventilation groups were set up to help push the smoke out of every area because of the way the interior of the building was designed. And water evacuation groups were utilized to clean up the large amount of water since the sprinkler systems activated in addition to the water from our hose lines. Firefighters used a lot of tarps to cover and protect vital office furniture, documents and other important items that were held inside the multiple businesses within the office complex. After extinguishing the fire and searching for potential victims, these additional actions took a lot of time and energy. But our crews don’t stop working once the fire is out.
The cause of the fire is under the investigation. Thankfully, there were no injuries and the fire was contained to the 6th floor.
Stay safe, #[City].
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✅ What works well
✅ Outcomes are shared—eventually. “No injuries” and “fire contained to the 6th floor” are exactly what neighbors need to hear. They’re buried at the end, but they’re there.
✅ The education instinct is right. Explaining what firefighters carry and why they can’t return to the truck is genuinely interesting to the public. Most people have never thought about that. The problem isn’t the idea—it’s the execution.
✅ Acknowledges extended operations. Noting that work continued after the fire was extinguished sets realistic expectations for neighbors who saw apparatus on scene for hours.
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🛠️ What could be improved
Big picture
🛠️ Identify the primary message before writing. This post tries to cover the full chronology, crew education, equipment, operational groups, and investigation status simultaneously. A reader finishes it with a vague sense that the fire was complicated—but no clear takeaway. Before drafting, ask: Is this post about the response? The crew’s effort? The complexity of high-rise fires? The outcome? Pick one. Let the rest support it.
🛠️ Lead with outcomes, not the alarm timeline. The most important information—no injuries, fire contained—appears in the final paragraph. Neighbors reading at 9 p.m. want to know if everyone is okay before they want to know what the Alarm Office received at 8:22. Flip the structure: outcome first, story second.
🛠️ Connect human-interest detail to a reader takeaway. The equipment paragraph is the most compelling part of the post—but it ends with “this takes a toll on them physically” and moves on. That’s a setup without a payoff. If the message is this work is physically demanding, give readers something to do with that: appreciation, context for why mutual aid matters, or a note about how the community can support its crews.
🛠️ Cut the operational groups. Rescue groups, ventilation groups, water evacuation groups—this level of operational detail serves an after-action report, not a public post. Readers don’t need to know how the work was organized. They need to know it was done.
Nitty gritty
🛠️ Use AP Style for times. “8:22pm” should be “8:22 p.m.”
🛠️ Spell out abbreviations before using them. “FAO” appears in the second sentence without explanation. Either spell it out (“the Fire Alarm Office, [FAO]”) or cut the abbreviation entirely—most neighbors don’t need the acronym.
🛠️ Resolve the jargon. Several terms appear without translation: “full alarm,” “second alarm,” and “third alarm” (what do these mean in practice—more trucks, more crews?); “exposed” (neighboring businesses were at risk of fire spread); “air bottles” and “airpacks” used interchangeably (pick one and explain it). “Halligan bar” probably isn’t something neighbors know, and “hi-rise pack” gets no explanation.
🛠️ Consistency and spelling. “Hi-rise” appears throughout but the standard spelling is “high-rise.” Pick one form and use it consistently; the industry standard is two words, hyphenated.
🛠️ Cut “a lot of.” “Firefighters used a lot of tarps” reads as informal filler. “Firefighters used tarps” is cleaner and just as accurate.
🛠️ Fix the typo. “The cause of the fire is under the investigation” should be “under investigation.” A single-word error in the final paragraph undercuts an otherwise earnest post.
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Practical PIO version
Here’s a version that leads with what neighbors actually need to know, then uses the equipment detail to make a single, clear point about what high-rise response demands:
[Fire Department] crews responded to a high-rise fire at a six-story office building on [Street] last night. No one was injured, and firefighters contained the fire to the sixth floor.
The building’s open interior design meant smoke threatened all floors, not just the top one—requiring crews to search every hallway, office, and closet to confirm no one needed help. That search, combined with clearing smoke and protecting office equipment from water damage, kept firefighters on scene for hours after the fire was out.
High-rise fires are among the most physically demanding calls a crew can respond to.
Firefighters carry everything they need for the assignment when they enter the building—there’s no running back to the truck. That load can exceed 80 pounds per person: breathing equipment, hose lines, forcible entry tools, and medical gear, on top of full protective gear.
Three alarms were dispatched, meaning additional crews from across the department were called in as the operation grew.
The cause of the fire is under investigation.
Teaching note: The rewrite opens with outcome, moves to “why was this complicated,” uses the equipment detail to make a single point about physical demand, then closes the loop on investigation status. Four clear paragraphs, one clear message: this was a significant operation, crews handled it, everyone is okay.
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Tool reminder
The Practical PIO beta remains open for testing. If you signed up for beta access but haven’t tried it yet, I’d love your feedback—even if it’s just plugging in a past incident to see how it works.
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