Issue 2

Are the kids OK? (Answer that question first.)

Practical PIO analyzes real social media posts to help you improve your communications. All identifying details are blurred or removed because our goal is growth, not criticism.

You’re writing about a school bus collision, involving a fire. You have all the times and details. But don’t give in to the temptation to work chronologically. Your neighbors scrolling Facebook don’t need a timeline. They need to know if the kids are safe!

Full text

Here’s the full text so you can follow along (or in case the image doesn’t load):

✅ What works well

✅ The post includes the 5Ws + H. It covers who responded, what happened (collision/fire), when and where it occurred, why they were there (vehicle fire), and how they handled it (put the fire out). It appropriately doesn’t speculate about how the collision happened. That’s for the law enforcement investigation.

✅ The post never calls the incident an “accident.” There’s been a shift away from that terminology toward “collision” or “crash” to reinforce that such incidents are often preventable and not due to random chance.

✅ The post is short and to-the-point.

✅ The description of “non-life-threatening” injuries is punctuated properly per Associated Press Style.

✅ Times are written in proper Associated Press Style.

🛠️ What could be improved

Big picture

🛠️ Lead with what matters most: no kids were hurt. The first thing someone sees in this post is a smoke-singed school bus, but they don’t learn the outcome until halfway through. In emergency communications, lead with the most important information—especially if it’s good news that will ease public concern.

🛠️ Answer the questions readers will have. Did only the fire department respond? Was anyone charged? (That’s not yours to answer, but you should direct investigation questions to the appropriate law enforcement agency.) Is the bus driver a hero? Did some people get treated for injuries on the scene? Don’t leave people guessing.

Nitty gritty

🛠️ Write like you’d talk. The phrasing “one truck and a school bus” is a bit awkward. It reads as if it was partly edited from a report. “A truck and a school bus” seems more natural.

🛠️ Be accurate. The phrase “truck fully engulfed in flames” doesn’t match what the images show, which hurts credibility. Even if it were accurate, “fully engulfed” is jargon. You’d be fine to say “truck on fire.”

🛠️ Passive voice buries the action. “Units were dispatched” and “no other injuries were reported” use passive voice, which makes the writing feel flat. Active voice is stronger: “Firefighters responded” and “nobody else needed hospital care.” (Pro tip: If you can add “by zombies” after the verb and it makes sense, you’re using passive voice.)

Practical PIO version

Here’s a version that repackages the incident information in more of a hybrid social media post/news release style that would be useful to citizens and news media.

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